feelings (wo,wo,wo feelings)

I don't really have anything that I can think of new and exciting to write about so I'll answer the question I have been getting in lots of letters from you all.  Quite often  I am asked about leaving here; how I feel and what I am going to do afterwards (more how I'm feeling than what I'm going to do).  Yes my leaving is going to be bittersweet.  I miss seeing my family and friends in the states...IN PERSON.  There are several new family members I have yet to meet; the first being born only a couple months after I arrived in B.  Included in there is my nephew  who turned 1 this past January.  Yes I do miss my family and can't wait to see my mom when she arrives in Bucharest so we can travel together!  BUT, that is my American family; I have a family, 2 actualy, here now too.  Whenever I travel my neighbors ask about me and want me to let them know where I will be and when I will be back.  There are ladies here, and men but mostly ladies, who tell me if someone they see me with isn't the best person for me to hang around.  People honk and wave at me walking down the street.  People give me food and help me imeasurably.  I have been given a home, 2 actually-well 3 counting pst, and am loved here, and I love people here as well.  All this is what families do!  People ask when I'm going to come back and my answer always is "I want to but next time I have to have enough money."  But the truth is I may never see some of my family here again and, I have to be honest I'm getting teary eyed just thinking about that fact.  I'm soooo incredibly glad my mom will be here with my when I actually leave for (I'm really hoping isn't) the last time; I don't know that I could do it by myself!  And it's not just me.  These thoughts have been echoed by many volunteers getting ready to leave what has been our home for 27 months, and longer for some volunteers!  This has been my (our) life (lives) for 27 months and that's not going to change when I (we) return to the States or wherever the next destination will be.  So whereas I'm so looking forward to seeing my family and friends in the States, leaving here won't be easy!  Today is overcast and the temperature is just about right, not too cold and not too hot.  I came very close to adopting a small dog last night but then I came to and realized that "I can't have a dog!  I'm leaving in a few months!"  She wandered into our section of the town and (I'm going to think this way because it makes me feel better) wouldn't have gotten back to her part of town by herself, so I helped her.  There was a moment there though where me keeping her seemed like the best option!  But all is well and she's back where she belongs!  Love and hugs from here!

right and wrong

I'm not sure if this has anything to do with anything but I've noticed something here that I don't think would not happen in the States.  Now let me qualify that and say I live in a town here with around 4200 people, much smaller than Indianapolis my hometown in the States.  So I'm generalizing here and comparing my experiences in Indianapolis to this small town (and yes, we ARE a town).  I've said before how during the winter the heat source is a wood stove, so it goes without saying that when the weather gets nice, it's time for more wood to restock the supply.  Since I don't use wood for heat I'm not really sure about the process of getting wood but I have seen it delivered to my neighbors in the form of long tree trunks; my heart kinda of skips a  beat when I see all those trees that have been cut but hey, you gotta stay warm somehow right?  Of course the big trunks have to be chopped into smaller trunks, usually there is a chainsaw or other electrical instrument used for this part, and then the smaller trunks have to be chopped into usable sized pieces of wood for the stove.  This is where the ax comes in and I must say, that's some HARD work!  I've never done it but watched from afar several times and it's a chore!  I would chop wood if needed but to tell the truth not too sure I want to try...given I'd have to use an ax and all and one of my fellow volunteers had an unfortunate accident during pst and I don't know that his big toe will ever be the same!  Anyway all this to say that sometimes this wood, cut or uncut, sits out front of the house for days waiting to be cut or waiting to be moved to a "wood for winter" storage shed. It goes untouched by others.  I left my gas can out front, actually no-it was in my garage but the door was open, of my house in Indianapolis once and in the span of a couple hours it was gone.  Someone stole it.  My point is I think there is more of a sense of right and wrong here.  Now of course this isn't always true, homework from some of the students comes to mind or should I say the lack thereof, but I think on a whole what is right and what is wrong is more prevalent here.  Again let me say my experience is a small town; this may be different in Sofia for example.  Now granted it might be kinda hard to steal 1/2 a tree but I'm sure it can be done.  I've been getting birthday cards/wishes for about the past 2-3 weeks and my birthday isn't until next month!  Thanks you guys!  It's been raining quite a bit here but so far for today, no rain!  I'm keeping my fingers crossed; we don't need anymore right now.  Things here are starting to wind down, with me as well.  I struggle between trying to get as much ready for when I leave now and keeping my mind and focus on here and my job.  Right now I have to say I'm not doing a very good job of "staying here" with my focus.  I can't believe I only have 2 more months.  The middle of June I go to Sofia for my first medical appointments and exit interview with the Country Director.  After that I can imagine everything will be a whirlwind and it will seem like no time has passed until I'm back in Sofia for my final medical clearance and wrap-up a short time before I'm scheduled to be done.   That's enough for today as it's getting time for me to go have lunch and see Nargis who just arrived from Albena, the graduation trip.  Love and hugs from me and thanks again so much for the birthday wishes and cards!  Not quite sure how I'll celebrate this one but I'll come up with something!  I'm open to ideas!

"sama li ci?" (are you alone?)

I was going to look to see if I wrote a blog about alphabet day or not but forgot and am a little into what I decided to blog about today so will go ahead with that.  You all are aware of the "expectation" of marriage.  When in your 20s, definitely 30s and 40s, there's just kind of this assumption that a person is either attached to a significant other or married.  Now I have to say that my family is very good about this; they all want me to be happy but pretty much leave me alone about the whole dating/marriage thing.  That however doesn't mean they haven't tried and dropped little hints to get me involved with someone.  But I do appreciate the lack of pressure put on me by my family in this area of my life.  HOWEVER...I'm "not in Kansas anymore."  The question I get BY FAR the most here is if I have a boyfriend; actually first people ask if I'm married and then move on to the other question.  When I say "no" they reply "why not?"  When I say that I have other work to do and haven't found the right man, their reply is something along the lines of "no seriously, why not?  You HAVE to get married!"  When I say "have to" I mean it; it's almost like it's not a question of "if" it's a question of "when."  To illustrate my point a few months ago I was in Sofia for an appointment.  The PC staff was unable to go with me so they called me a taxi and I went by myself which at this point didn't bother me since I've done Sofia by myself; I've conquered that Goliath.  When I was done and ready to head back to the office I again got in a taxi and struck up a conversation with the driver.  He asked about why I was here and all that and I asked him if he lived in Sofia and about his family and all the rest of the small talk I feel comfortable speaking in B.  He then asked me if I was married and my answer this time as well as all the other times is "no."  He replied "how can you not be?  You have to!"  I told him about my work and stuff like that (the actual reason) and again he said "you have to!  It's too hard without a husband!"  If I remember right this time I said "well, I'm alive!"  This conversation has happened MANY, MANY times over the last 2 years and this conversation in the taxi is one of many!  The baba I met on the train after Easter coming back here asked the same thing and when I told her she asked me why and said I had to be married.  One time about 1 year ago I was walking to my apartment with Nargis and we met one of my babas.  Since they both know Turkish I was left out of most of the conversation and just knew they were talking about me but hadn't a clue what they were saying.  Nargis told me later that she told my baba that I had a boyfriend in the military who couldnt come see me because of his job; Nargis said she was tired of people asking such personal questions of me and "she'll forget in a few days."   Well, she hasn't forotten.  I figured I'd go along with it for a bit and then tell her we broke up; I don't like lieing, even about something this trivial.  I told her we broke up and she asked me why and I said that I didn't love him.  Again...she asked me why.  I tried to tell the truth and she wasn't buying it so I had no choice but to play along.  My "boyfriend" has cheated on me and doesn't love me, yet stil, everytime I see my baba she asks me about him and tells me I "need to go there!"  At one of our conferences when all the YD volunteers were together, our program staff asked if any of us had done anything with gender empowerment/equality with young ladies.  Nobody said anything in terms of a project or work they had started on this topic, but something one of my non- 20something volunteer friends said stuck with me.  She said that although nobody had "officially" done anything on this topic, unofficially the older female volunteers serve as examples to girls/women, we are a kind of walking billboard for women empowerment so to speak.  Whereas the majority of the volunteers are in their 20s, we also have a couple women in their 30s and a couple in their 40s, my sitemate in Varshets who is 69, and a few married women whe are serving with their husbands who have more life experience than I do (I'm assuming).  She is right!  I know when I was young I always looked at my older neighbors who didn't have boyfriends.  I saw how their life didn't change because they didn't have boyfriends, how they just went on with their lives like "so what?"  I guess now I am that model for other young ladies.  I don't mind that people ask and I will answer with honesty and I kinda think it's funny now how not being married just isn't an option here.  I've joked about it with my female volunteer friends.    HAPPY BIRTHDAY C!  You have been wished life and good health...and one lady wished you to "listen."  I said I thought you did a pretty good job of that!  Love and hugs from me!  And no I can't say he died; that would open up a WHOLE OTHER can of worms; just ask my mom what they do here when someone dies.
BRING THIS ONE HOME FOR ME PACERS!!  LET'S TURN UP THE TEMPERATURE A
NOTCH ON THE HEAT, SHALL WE?

4aeg ima ball!

Tulay!

Tulay and I.  See!  I told you!

Tulay and her form teacher, Nargis.

Tulay and the Bulgarian teacher,
and my tutor, Tadsjenur.

Selime and I.

the proud graduates!

Last Friday our 2 senior young ladies graduated.  We had a ceremony at the school and they came DRESSED TO THE NINES!!  I told my niece (this one's for you M) that I would post the pictures.  Now as a lady who very rarely wears dresses, skirts for that matter too, TO CHURCH I stood in awe!   Not really in awe but...you'll see!  On Thursday they are heading on a graduation trip that is taken every year for the seniors and their "form" teacher, a little like a homeroom teacher.  Now me being the age I am (40 for those who don't know) and them being the ages they are (18 and beautiful young women to boot) I gave them my "stay with Nargis (form teacher)"  and "don't go anywhere with anyone you don't know" and, seperately to both of them, “watch out for (the other girl)!”  Funny how those things “just kinda happen” with age.  I also told them that I knew they didn’t want to hear what I had to say.  Tomorrow they take their English (one of the options for the 2nd part of the graduation test) exam and are nervous; Monday was Bulgarian.  Love and hugs from here and ENJOY!  Sorry you all have to strain your necks to view the pictures!

lesson learned/thoughts

Ok I have no real good excuse so I won't even try.  You know, I've learned several things since joining the PC.  One of them is, yes of course, that I can live in a foreign country for 27 months and not only survive but gain a couple pounds and become Intermediate High in that language (that would be higher but I've not been holding up my end of the bargain).  We volunteers all came here with our own agendas but the idea was to help in any way we could.  The Corps encouraged us to think about big projects-would they be right for our communities?  Sometimes that answer is an emphatic "yes" and sometimes it's a "no."  For example, will it (say a weight room-not meaning to pick on weight rooms I just couldn't think of anything else this second) still be taken care of years down the road or even after the volunteer leaves?  Again sometimes the answer is yes.  Varshets has a weight room developed by a volunteer (before our group); used regularly, even by our group when we were there, and is in good shape.  But the corps also stressed the importance of focusing on what the community needs/wants and "it's not about us!"  Sometimes those 2 ideas overlap; I know several volunteers who have done awesome things for their communities in terms of "big", funded  projects and again I say that's great.  But sometimes it's not about that or the capacity for sustaining something after the volunteer leaves isn't possible.  (In both of these senerios) The focus on THE PROCESS in which something is done, going through the "action plan" with others in the community, becomes the main focus.  I'm saying this wrong; sustainability is always in the forefront, just sometimes the process becomes more important than the end result.  That's something that I've learned to be more conscious of: do I want this because I want it OR do I want it because it is what my community wants?  Believe me sometimes things can spiral and ideas can get out of control so fast and things "just happen" it's hard to slow down and analyze the "why's."  I think this is important in all aspects of life, not just for Peace Corps volunteers.  It's important to know WHY we are doing something instead of just doing it.  Thinking of my family as many of them are up in Northern IN today, a kind off send off for my cousin who is leaving for Argentina next month for 10 months to do dental-service work.  Grandma and Grandpa would be proud S (of course so am I but it's the grandparents I'm focusing on here)!  Love and hugs from me!